I can't begin to know what to say. 
She was with the same man her entire life. She kept her very first job throughout her life and supported her children. She never went to the doctor, though on many occasions she complained to me about pains in her back and other symptoms, et cetera...she didn't want to miss work. She never called off. She didn't want to spend money that could be used on her family. That's who she was - selfless. Warm. A giver, through-and-through. She saw good in people regardless of what anyone else saw, myself included. She loved her children and husband more than anything. The last thing I said to her was, "I just miss you, Tam." with a photo we took together with Hailey last year at LaRosa's and another from a trip we took to Walmart. That LaRosa's venture was the last time I would buy her dinner. That Walmart trip was the last time we shopped around together. The last time we would laugh together. But we used to do a lot together. Shopping, movies, eating out, and just visiting at our homes. She didn't like pictures, so I didn't take many of her. I wish I had just said, "Shut up, you're beautiful." She was. She just didn't know it. We made other plans that always fell through. The last time I saw her on purpose was at Hailey's birthday party. The last time I saw her in passing was at McDonald's. But we talked, often. Now that she's gone, there's a huge void. Some of it is guilt of not having better words to say when she needed me. I've always been terrible at comforting people. I do care, but I'm painfully awkward with emotional stuff. I just hope she knew I really loved her. And how much I appreciated her. She is part of why I am who I am today. I will never understand why this had to happen to her of all people and her poor kids. Dave, who has already lost so many people. Her mom. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck cancer. Fuck COVID-19 for being the reason none of us could see her when she needed us. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't even have words for all this but that.
Tam
has been my friend for about a couple decades now. It has been complex at times, but always enduring. When I was 18, my uncle threw me out because he found out that I was into girls. This may be confusing to some of you, because my last two relationships were with men. It isn't something I talk about a lot publicly, but it is very much a part of me. One that I wasn't willing to sacrifice to have a place to stay with people who wouldn't accept me. I couch-surfed for a while until I ended up in a shelter, and Tammy was the one who gave me a place to stay. She was hesitant, because I was more of Dave's friend at the time and she didn't know me as personally, but she had a huge heart. She trusted me and invited me into her home. In many capacities, she helped me accept that aspect of my identity. And I got to know her. Before long, she and I were every bit as good friends as I considered myself to be with Dave then. Over time, she grew to be one of my best. When things were rocky, we leaned on each other. There were times she needed me and times when I needed her. Tammy told me about the cancer before anyone else, and I feel horrible because I didn't know what to say. I mean, what do you say to that? I felt like she needed me, but I was so stunned and stupified by the bomb that I just hoped it wasn't true or that a mistake was made somewhere. I tried to be there for her. Sometimes I was working when she reached out, so I had to wait hours to respond. I didn't realize our time would be so short. I would have stopped everything. When we realized that this was advanced and that it was more than we could have imagined, I tried reaching out more and more, but she was so heavily sedated that her words didn't make any sense. She typed back. Some of it was understandable, and some of it was muddled. It was worse trying to talk on the phone. I heard back less and less until eventually I didn't. She passed in her sleep. I told her that I missed and loved her, but I wasn't able to be there physically. I wasn't able to hold her hand or stroke her hair or be any source of true comfort. This stupid pandemic stole that from us. Because of this stupid virus, Tammy spent her last month of life virtually alone. She was scared, alone, confused, and she couldn't fathom why something so horrible would happen to her (and by proxy, her kids).
She was with the same man her entire life. She kept her very first job throughout her life and supported her children. She never went to the doctor, though on many occasions she complained to me about pains in her back and other symptoms, et cetera...she didn't want to miss work. She never called off. She didn't want to spend money that could be used on her family. That's who she was - selfless. Warm. A giver, through-and-through. She saw good in people regardless of what anyone else saw, myself included. She loved her children and husband more than anything. The last thing I said to her was, "I just miss you, Tam." with a photo we took together with Hailey last year at LaRosa's and another from a trip we took to Walmart. That LaRosa's venture was the last time I would buy her dinner. That Walmart trip was the last time we shopped around together. The last time we would laugh together. But we used to do a lot together. Shopping, movies, eating out, and just visiting at our homes. She didn't like pictures, so I didn't take many of her. I wish I had just said, "Shut up, you're beautiful." She was. She just didn't know it. We made other plans that always fell through. The last time I saw her on purpose was at Hailey's birthday party. The last time I saw her in passing was at McDonald's. But we talked, often. Now that she's gone, there's a huge void. Some of it is guilt of not having better words to say when she needed me. I've always been terrible at comforting people. I do care, but I'm painfully awkward with emotional stuff. I just hope she knew I really loved her. And how much I appreciated her. She is part of why I am who I am today. I will never understand why this had to happen to her of all people and her poor kids. Dave, who has already lost so many people. Her mom. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck cancer. Fuck COVID-19 for being the reason none of us could see her when she needed us. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't even have words for all this but that.
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